Signing Off

I kept telling myself that my little hiatus from blogging was only temporary. I never blogged very often anyway. But when I realized that I hadn’t written a single thing in over a year, it was time to own up to the obvious. I just don’t have time in my life right now. As Marie Kondo would say, it doesn’t “spark joy”. So I’m letting go. I’m still going to leave it up, just in case I decide to come back to it some day. For now, I’m off to live my semi-perfect life.

Blessed be.

Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I don’t often speak publicly about my own miscarriages, but today I feel the need to share. 

Grief is always hard, but unless you have experienced this particular type of grief it is hard to describe. Losing a baby means that not only do you grieve for the loss of someone you love, you grieve for all of the memories that you never got to make. You grieve for all of the tomorrows that you don’t get to have. You grieve not just the big things, but so many little things - skinned knees and first haircuts and learning to ride a bike. My heart was shattered five times, but even knowing the pain I still would never have missed the time I had with my sweet angel babies. I never got to hold them in my arms, but they live forever in my heart. 

My children taught me important lessons about my own strength, the utter devotion of my husband, and the kindness that even total strangers can show. The loss of my babies initiated me into a sisterhood of remarkable women who have survived horrible losses, but can still reach out a hand to lift you up. They brought a new depth to friendships I already had and brought some very special new friends into my life.  I am so grateful for the gift of my babies and all of the lessons that they taught me. 

In memory of Billy, Katie, the twins, Shrimp, and Little One.

No more secrets

This morning news broke that Anthony Bourdain had committed suicide. Earlier this week Kate Spade committed suicide. This has truly been a horrible week and I am heartbroken. I am heartbroken for Anthony and Kate that their pain was so great that didn’t feel they had any other options. I am heartbroken for their families and friends that have lost a loved one. And I am heartbroken for the world that we have lost such talent.

Every time a famous person commits suicide there are a rash of social media posts about how we have to destigmatize mental illness. I have posted it myself a few times. I talk a good game about how there is no stigma and no shame in mental illness. That makes me a hypocrite, because I hide my own mental illness. I have treatment resistant major depressive disorder. I have never before spoken those words to anyone other than my husband or a medical professional. I was ashamed. I was afraid that people would think I was weak. So I put on my happy mask and talked a good game about ending stigma. 

In hiding my own depression I have contributed to the stigma. No more! Today I stand up and openly say that I have depression. There is no shame in that. If somebody thinks that I am weak because of it, then that isn’t somebody I want in my life anyway. If a future employer hesitates to hire me because of it, that isn’t a company I would want to work for. 

So, now my secret is out there. It is a secret no more. And I feel hella strong right now.

An Anniversary Fairy Tale

Hubby and I have been married for 22 years today!  Several years ago I wrote the story of our very bizarre wedding day in the form of a fairy tale. Even though we were both in the Army at the time and we had a justice of the peace wedding, I decided to turn it into a fairy tale. Every girl should get to be a princess on her wedding day, right?

Since this is my favorite story ever, I will share it with you again today. Without further ado, here is my Unconventional Wedding Day Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of San Antonio, there lived a curly-headed princess.  (Well, she was actually a soldier, but the story is much more romantic if she is a princess.)  She fell in love with a kind, handsome prince. (You guessed it, he was a soldier too.)  They fell in love and wanted to share their lives together, but were in no hurry to make things legal. 

Then one day a ferocious dragon attacked.  (She got orders to go to Fort Drum.)  The prince and princess knew that only the power of true love could save them, so they decided it was time to get married.  On the day the marriage was to take place they ventured out in the midst of a powerful thunderstorm in search of a justice of the peace.  They finally found the JP in a converted jail house. So, in the midst of a raging storm, while standing in a former jail, the prince and princess exchanged their vows. (The wise JP included a wonderful clause in the prince’s vows.  He had to promise to bring the princess presents even when it wasn’t a holiday.)  Once the vows were said the dragon was slain and they went off to Fort Drum together. 

They went on to have many wonderful adventures and have enjoyed living their unconventional fairy tale ever since.  Their happily-ever-after is still continuing.

Wedding Day

Reflections on a Power Outage

Our power went out earlier today. Cue the hysterics! My first reaction was to stress about all of the things I wanted to get done today. Suddenly I was transformed into some perfect Martha Stewart clone that had an intense schedule of things to accomplish. I needed to bake a pie, write a book, sew a  new wardrobe, cure cancer in my home laboratory. And, darn it, those things require electricity. So what if my original plans for the day included none of those things. Now that I couldn't do them, I had an intense NEED to get them done right...this...minute!

In the midst of my stressing my youngest pup jumped in my lap and explained to me that this was the perfect excuse to do nothing. I could just relax, do nothing, and pet the puppy for as long as he wanted. Have I mentioned that the pup is very wise?

Rocket the wise sleeping in my lap during the outage

So, until the power comes back on you will find me sitting by the open window, reading a book, and cuddling with a sleepy puppy. May all your weekends have an equally low-key start.

Have a Semi-Perfect day!